Looking inside...

Limbo

2008-01-14T01:58:00.000-08:00

That's where I am.
Where am I going - I don't know.
Where should I be going - again, I don't know.

So help me - whomsoever can - so that I can go where I should be going.
This absence of purpose, absence of a goal in life, is taking its toll. I hope its not too late!

2008 is here already

2008-01-02T00:52:00.001-08:00

Just one day into 2008 and it feels so strange. We've lost 2007 and I guess it makes me feel like something to be cherished hasn't been given its due. What do we do, we are already past that...

Awaarapan Banjarapan

2007-09-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

Dil Jis Cheez Ko Haan Kehta Hai
Zahen Usi Ko Kehta Hai Na
Dil Jis Cheez Ko Haan Kehta Hai
Zahen Usi Ko Kehata Hai Na
Ishq Mein Uff Yeh Khud Hi Se Ladhna
Ek Saza Hai Seene Mein

Awaarapaan Banjarapan
Ek Hala Hai Sine Mein...

Khanjar Se Haathon Pe Lakeeren
Koi Bhala Kya Likh Paya,
Khanjar Se Haathon Pe Lakeeren
Koi Bhala Kya Likh Paya,
Humne Magar Ek, Paagalpan Mein
Khud Ko Chala Hai Seene Mein

Awaarapaan Banjarapan
Ek Hala Hai Sine Mein...

music

2007-02-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

There's this song from a tamil movie - Kadhal Desam. It's called Anbe, or literally Oh dear.
And there is this one line from that song:

Meyyaga nee ennai virumbatha bothum,
poi onnu sol kanne, en jeevan vaazhum, ...

It means (I lack the poetic sense to do anything more than a mere translation):
In reality, you may not have any love for me,
but telling just one lie might make my life, ...

It's not the just the lyrics, but the words, the music and the voice... the combination.
Not once does this aural stimuli fail at making it straight to my heart...

where are you?

2007-02-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

I saw her... It happened at some place. Not where I was brought up, or not somewhere I lived long enough to claim that I knew the place well.
I saw her, and she saw me. It seemed like we had known each other for a long time. Subliminal communication. I felt that I needed to be with her... I knew she felt the same, I could tell... I could tell from her eyes, her very presence, she didnt have to say anything. Neither did I...

I woke up, it was just another weekday morning. Shit, I was late! As usual... I went to work and the day went by just like that. That night, I could not sleep. I was making conscious attempts at trying to make my mind follow up on the previous night's dream. I could tell there was something different about this dream.

I can still remember and see many of the visions of that dream. I could feel what I felt like in the dream. It surprises me that I could experience emotions that I encountered in a dream, so strongly. I wish I could really experience it in my real life.

I want to see you again. This time in my real life. Please come back.

I want to see you. Where are you?...

the greatest healer!

2006-09-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

No matter how bad a thing happens in one's life, there is a cure that fixes everything like nothing happened. It is the greatest healer that has been around... forever... and it will stay... forever... It is available to anyone and everyone walking this earth. You don't have to be rich, you don't have to be priviliged, you don't have to be influential to avail of this great power. The greatest healer... time...

Time is the greatest healer of all times. But it is not alone in its crusade against sorrow. It is accompanied by faithful knights. They may be very small and seem humble and powerless. But everyone knows their potential. The faithful knights of time... tears...

Time and tears are on your side. They will help you go through the toughest of moments in life. Go ahead, live life. Experience the joys that come along. Embrace the sorrow equally, for time and tears well help you get through.

real or surreal?

2006-08-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

Reel life is mostly surreal but for those rare occasions when one can draw some similarities.

Movies. It's humans who makes them. Those minds that draw inspirations from real lives to depict a surreal life. Whose real life do they draw inspirations from? I seldom knew the answer until I saw this movie. This movie had quite a few components that bore non-trivial but striking resemblance to some of the events of my life. I could not believe that such a movie could ever be made. It almost made me feel that the writer/director took a peek into my life - some of the untold stories of it. It almost made me forget the difference between real and surreal...

the mystery of all mysteries

2006-04-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves mysteries. No wonder Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code became so popular and widely read. But what is the mystery of all mysteries. Perhaps something that everyone encounters in their life at some point or the other. Hmm.. what could that be? Well, if I say what I think it is, then it won't be a mystery anymore.
But, lets go further here... The mystery to me is not what it is, but what is it? That I think is the mystery of all mysteries.

I've tried to unravel this mystery myself many times. I've consulted other fellow human beings that walk this planet earth and not one could explain satisfactorily. Well, then again that brings up the debate of what is a satisfactory explanation. However, the fact does remain that anyone who has attempted to explain this mystery to me has soon enough confessed that they are not in complete grasp of this mystery. More often that not, I've been told that it is a mystery for everyone to solve for themselves. That doesn't help us much does it. Evolution doesn't seem to favour us much. Look at how many things we need to learn during our life time. First crying, then talking, walking, etc...

Many mysteries exist in our world. Some of them are remarked so because they are considered to fall under the category cannot-be-explained-by-science. I've always had an argument to that phrase that it should really be cannot-be-explained-by-science-that-is-known-today. Science could very well advance one day to the level that it could explain many of today's mysteries (Gravity was probably considered a scientifically unexplainable mystery until Newton cracked it). But, would science ever be in a position to explain the mystery of all mysteries? Fortunately, maybe not. Science will and should never be able to prove itself worthy against the mystery of all mysteries. I'll prefer all human beings to go out there in life and learn about this mystery and try to crack it on their own rather than studying it in a classroom or read it in a book. I think that it adds an exotic tinge to our everyday life.

shrinking myself?

2006-02-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

Like pretty much everyone else in this world, I find myself doing the things that we do in this world... Sometimes, like pretty much everyone else in this world, I find myself wondering what I really am. What is my character? What type of a person am I? Sometimes, again like pretty much everyone else in this world, I come across other people in this world and see what they are like... And sometimes a discovery leads to another...

I saw someone, noticed, and learned. A person who behaved in a manner so typical of him and so untypical of myself. I noticed a characterisic that I never exhibited but he always did... I've heard my friends say that I'm modest. Am I really? Or do I just appear to be modest? Or am I using negative tactics?... A self-explanatory term that is used quite frequently within my circle of friends...

Psychologists would sometimes say that a patient has an inferiority complex or the opposite superiority complex. It is a state-of-being that one puts oneself into depending on what they've gone through in their life. Their entire past decides whether or not a person would have either of these complexes or none. But often, we can see that a person exhibiting an inferiority complex to the outside world really feels superior of himself deep down inside and the vice versa... Is that true?!!

Coming back to my story...

I saw this person and I learned a lot about this person and I tried to guess what kind of complex he may exhibit. But then, I saw that he actually exhibited the exact opposite of what I guessed. So then, I analysed myself and tried to guess what complex I could be having? And what was I exhibiting?... the exact opposite again!!...

It seems so strange when you seem to be able to see inside another person. It seems even stranger when it leads to the inside of yourself. I'm so glad that it happened to me. And hope I get to the bottom of the deep, dark chasm before its too late. It is one thing to not know about yourself. It is another to know but deny. But can we go further and accept what we are. After all, isn't acceptance of sub-optimality the first step towards reform...

misunderstanding!... or miscommunication? (part 1)

2006-01-28T23:21:00.000-08:00

People around the world have to get along with people unless they want to become an anti-social person (one who does not want to socialise). One of the most important things one has to master in order to successfully get along with people is communication. People all around the world have invented many many forms and means of communication called languages. And languages have some sort of grammar associated with them that are mostly ambiguous. However, being able to convey one's thoughts in an unambiguous manner is the key behind mastering the art of communication. Unambiguously! that's the key.

Sanskrit is one of the languages (if not the only) that has an unambiguous grammar. I'm not a linguist but I've read experts say that it could be the human-spoken language best understood by computers, due to its unambiguity. Now, if only we used it more often than it is being used today... if societies existed that relied mostly/completely on the sanskrit language, we could realise its true potential.

Many times I've desperately felt the need for such an unambiguous means of communication. I still remember (and always will) the earliest incident in my life when I realised the importance of good communication.

I was in my 10th standard and was one of the bold, outspoken students of my class. While most students would be scared to ask questions or doubts in class, for fear of failure in communicating properly, for fear of uttering something that may turn out to be the stupidest thing ever said in class, I would care the least and boldly ask whatever came in my mind. Of course, I too will sound really stupid sometimes, but for me, it didn't matter. Every once in a while, I will be the mouthpiece of our class when it came to talking to a teacher or some person of authority. So this once I was to ask a senior teacher Ms. Rama, permission to give her class up to another teacher Ms. Uma, since what she was about to teach in her class had been already taught before and the students felt that there was a lot more that need to be covered in the other class for the exams. As far as I remember, and as far as my classmates who stood beside me when I asked her for permission, I was polite and she was quite calm. She replied quite normally that she would have to think about it.

Later that day, Ms. Uma came into class disturbed and angry. She called my name and asked my why I had to do that. She told us that there was an argument among the two. Apparently, Ms.Rama thought that it was Ms.Uma who wanted us to approach her. Luckily for me, one of my classmates supported me and told Ms.Uma that we did not use her name. So, it turned out to be all good with Ms.Uma as she understood the whole situation. But, my reputation of being a smart student in Ms.Rama's class was scarred forever.

Now, was this misunderstanding? Did Ms. Rama misunderstand my thoughts due to some reason. Or was this miscommunication? Did I fail to communicate my thoughts in the most articulate manner possible. Since we both never had a chance to talk about this in our lives, we will never know...

Whenever similar incidences happen in my life, I remember the first... No matter how many times such incidences have happened, I still do not know the answer to the question:
Is it misunderstanding? or is it miscommunication?

saying more than what you say

2005-08-23T04:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes during casual interactions with friends, someone or the other might say something that would have a much deeper meaning. One such expression was: Don't be so busy with the outside that you forget to look inside.
I forget the original context in which this was said, but this definitely has more meaning than literally.

So, I decided to dedicate this blog of mine for documenting those thoughts of mine involving the inside.

sense of emptiness?

2005-08-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

Empty. Nil. Null. Void. Zero. Cipher.

Why?!!